THE DUMBEST THING I DID AS A KID was not cut the right size switch when mom sent to get one.
I was around 10 or 11 now this was back in the day that kids didn't back talk mom's and dad's or make the statement "if you whoop me I will call the police" If I had done that mom would have told me to call the preacher as well since someone would have to pray over the body. LOL
Anyway I had done something, I can't remember what it was but it must have been pretty bad or dumb because mom was going to issue a spanking. Trust me she didn't just hand those out to anybody no sir you earned those. She sent me to the kitchen and told me to get a paring knife and to go cut her a switch so she could give me my punishment...Do you know how it feels to have to cut your own switch. There is this big lump that comes into your throat and your stomach churns. The walk to where the switch patch was about a hundred yards from the house. You don't know how many times I though if I had a hundred yard head start I could just keep running and mom wouldn't catch me.
Anyway my little brain was working overtime on how I could make this bad situation better so I thought all the way down to the switch patch. When I got there boy did I have a plan, I would cut one so big that there was no way mom could bring herself to whoop me with it. I found a big bastard almost had to saw it in half and then my little lanky butt went dragging it to the house. When I got back mom came to the front porch and asked "Knowlton did you get me a switch"?
I replied "Yes mama I sure did" then I pulled that big beast from behind my back. Mom got a sad look on her face and said "oh honey I couldn't bring myself to whoop you with that big ol thang" I thought to myself "yep Knowlton your a f in genius" then mom asked me the dreaded question. She asked if I still had the paring knife, to which I swallowed hard and said yes.
"Well sweetheart I guess I will have to go and show you how to cut a switch" she said as she took the knife from me and motioned for me to walk with her to the switch patch. I am thinking oh sh!t this didn't turn out the way I thought it would. We get to the patch and she says " now Knowlton you go through there and find the right one, don't let it be too green or too dry we sure don't want it break. Ah and make sure that it's not to big like the last one and make sure it's not too small." Man I look and look until I found the right one and I pointed at it, mom shook her head with approval so I cut the switch. Thinking ok, let's get this over with. Then mom really sends my heart down to my un-dropped reproductive organs. "Knowlton since I had to stop doing the dishes to come and teach you how to cut a switch I guess I need to cut one also". Ah damn and she did. Now I am a fast runner and mom cut one of those long ole green willow switches the ones that you could hear coming and make that little swish sound as they wrapped around you leg. I ran all the way home with momma on my ass. Swish swish, ahhhh swish swish ahhhhh momma I'll be good. swish swish ahhhhh " Knowlton do you think you have learned how to cut a proper switch"
Hell yes momma, swish swish ahhhhh " and that's for cussin boy".
Thanks mom for the lessons in life that made me a better person and a responsible adult.